Time flies when you're (not) having fun!
Time flies when you're (not) having fun!
On life, luck, and anxiety // plus a recommendation for a podcast that's been bringing me joy 🧡
It’s hard to think of little else than the ongoing genocide in Palestine, the inaction from the United States government (the supposed leaders of the “free world”), and the thousands of children who’ve been killed in horrific ways. I’ve been trying to write something for weeks now, but it’s been impossible to tear my eyes away from the news articles and photos that keep getting worse and worse.
I can’t start this newsletter without acknowledging this; and I can’t start this newsletter without encouraging you to pick up your phone and call your state representatives, to boycott companies who continue to fund Israel’s ongoing bombings and military attacks on innocent civilians, to read books/listen to podcasts/watch videos to learn about the history of the Palestinian people, to organize and to attend protests, to be brave and speak up about the ethnic cleansing that is being live-streamed to us.
I can’t start this newsletter without acknowledging that I am alive and healthy and blessed in lots of different ways. And I can’t start this newsletter without warning you that I’m about to air my grievances about life as of late in what you are about to read. I’m going to vent to you, my internet friends, because it is cathartic. Thank you for being here.
Now, on to the newsletter—
October and November flew by in a blink. I started a new job working in a completely different setting, providing speech therapy services to autistic kids. I visited my family in Nebraska. I turned 30. And most pertinent, I had a steady streak of bad luck.
My best friend is an astrology girlie, someone who ascribes meaning to planetary alignment and who knows all about zodiac signs. After a particularly doozy of a week full of unfortunate events, I texted her and asked if Mercury was in retrograde. She asked me about my energy levels and I responded with a long list of my recent woes.
Life has been LIFE-ING and all the while I have been trying to navigate my new job. I really, really, really enjoy it *and* the transition has been very, very, very hard. I worked in nursing homes for four years; I am confident and comfortable in that setting. I know the answers to most people’s questions, and if I don’t know, I at least know where to find the information.
Working at a center with children with complex communication needs, behaviors, and trauma has required me to take a deep dive into concepts I have not visited since graduate school. I don’t know the answers to most people’s questions more often than not. I’ve spent a lot of time panicked that I will say the wrong thing, that I will expose myself as an imposter. I’ve felt like a shell of myself.
I’ve tried to battle these feelings by reading research articles, following neurodiversity affirming SLPs on Instagram & gleaning their pages for information, and listening to podcasts that are all about autism intervention. I’ve asked questions and taken notes and tried to absorb everything I observe at work.
But it’s been hard to pay attention when my anxiety has me hyper focused on the ways in which life has been testing me lately.
Example: I am preparing for an 8:30 meeting and drinking my coffee at the dining room table. Ben beckons me over to look at the floor near our dishwasher, tells me to feel it with my foot. It squishes like a sponge and water oozes out. He pulls the dishwasher out from the countertop and there is a leak. My meeting starts and I wonder if we will have to replace it, if it will cost an arm and a leg to fix, if Ben can do it himself without his back blowing out. My meeting ends, and I strain to remember what was discussed.
And it’s been hard to retain information when my brain is worried about my latest misfortune.
Example: My Rottweiler, Halpert, spends an entire weekend shitting his brains out and I spend it certain that something is terribly wrong. I try to watch a continuing education video to learn about gestalt language development. I pause the video over and over again to take Hal outside to press on his stomach checking to see if he reacts in pain. The video ends and I can’t remember a thing about what I just watched. I try to read a research article on my phone, but I keep finding myself on petMD pages reading about signs and symptoms of intestinal blockages in dogs instead.
All of my anxiety about feeling inadequate at work and all of the stress I’ve been harboring about my personal life finally bubbled over this past week when I broke down and sobbed to my boss during our weekly video chat check-in.
I told her that I felt like I wasn’t meeting expectations. I expressed my concerns that I didn’t know enough to do the job well. I cried as I tried to explain what I’d been feeling in recent weeks.
My boss listened quietly while I wept. She reassured me that she was not concerned about my performance or my skill set or the knowledge I brought to the table. And then she validated my feelings by saying, “JoVanna. This all feels hard because it is hard. You are working in a totally different setting with people who make the work look easy because they’ve been here for years. You are brave for trying something brand new. Give yourself grace. It’s going to take time to grow comfortable.”
Big, fat, crocodile tears dripped down my cheeks and I thanked her for the kindness and encouragement. I ended the call, snot-nosed and red-eyed and relieved. I felt like I had been keeping this big secret for weeks and it was finally out in the open. I no longer had to hide from it.
As the week went by, when the voice in my head would start to spiral into negative self-talk or if anxiety would bloom in my chest, I would reflect on this conversation. This all feels hard because it is hard. You are brave for trying something brand new. Give yourself grace. I reminded myself of all the times I’d been scared before—evaluating my first stroke patients, working in the ICU, seeing my first client with aphasia in graduate school. I was scared, but I did it anyway. It was hard and I felt like an imposter most days, but eventually it got easier. This will be no different. It’s just going to take some time.
By the end of the week, the tides were changing. I was feeling content with how I showed up at work. My sessions with my clients were going well. I had productive meetings and helpful conversations.
I was looking forward to a weekend of less anxiety when, as I was getting into my car to leave, the crown on my tooth popped off. The dentist doesn’t answer, and I discover they close early on Fridays. Life be life-ing. I laugh at my luck all the way home.
And now, a podcast recommendation :)
I have been living under a rock apparently because I just discovered the podcast Vibe Check even though I am a big fan of one of the hosts, Saeed Jones. It’s described as “your favorite group chat, come to life.” Every week, Saeed along with his co-hosts Zach Stafford and Sam Sanders have conversations about current events and pop culture. It’s FUN and funny and thoughtful and informative. It’s been the highlight of my commute the past few weeks. 10/10, do recommend! Truly a joy!
Thank you for reading and for allowing me a space to write about what’s on my mind. If you enjoyed this newsletter and would like to support me further, may I suggest sharing Parallel Charts with a friend or foe with the recommendation to subscribe. :)
This newsletter is free to read, but it takes a lot of time and energy to make. If you’d like to financially support the sustainability of this little endeavor AKA buy me a slice of Costco pizza or a coffee, feel free to send some coins via Venmo (username: JoVanna-Balquier).